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There is Freedom in Failure 

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Headshot of Corrine Malcolm, Editor-in-Chief at Freetrail

By: Corrine Malcolm

Freetrail Editor-in-Chief and co-host of the Trail Society Podcast.

I do wonder when I’ll write an entry that is a success story, one that focuses on triumph, one with a heroic story arc. You’ll read it and think, “Wow, great job!” and I’ll bow graciously, thank you. However, I’m still very much in the part of the story where the protagonist is dealing with dilemma as they roll a boulder up a hill. Much like our dear friend Sisyphus, although we pray my hill is not so… indefinite. 

This year has been a lot about trying to take my own advice, things I tell me athletes not infrequently. Stress is stress is stress – but I’ve been on the road 110 days during the past 10 months. Running is therapeutic, but it’s not therapy – but I’ve had to say goodbye to four friends and community members long before they were supposed to leave us. Goals that are worth pursuing are scary – but that doesn’t mean being grounded isn’t a worthy goal. What’s the worst thing that happens, you fail – but even when it sounds easy and caviler it stings when we come up short. Bad days happen – but it doesn’t make searching for an answer any less enticing. That’s ultrarunning, where the fear of failure can loom large, threatening to hold us back, when really I think failure (with its stings and big feelings) is an essential companion on our journey towards growth. 

I went into Javelina scared, like really scared, but excited because it was an opportunity to put myself out there. I wanted an uncomfortable challenge, something I didn’t inherently think I was good at, something I had to do the big scary work for. A worthy goal where failure was a real possibility. And while I thought it was going to be a hard day, one full of getting gritty and digging deep, I didn’t anticipate it abruptly coming to an end. Somewhere between mile 24 and 26 my left hip flexor decided it was done. Lifting my leg became painfully guarded and I startled more than one runner as I had to audibly grunt on every left foot fall from mile 31 onward. I had wanted hard, but had I really wanted this?

Run Far, Don't Die Tent at Javelina 2024, Ryan Thrower
Photo from Ryan Thrower

Back at headquarters we took my own advice. Work through, don’t ignore, the problems, adapt accordingly – but sometimes the problem doesn’t go away, even as we will it to. I left on loop three, not completely convinced it would get better, but delusionally hopeful (like any good ultrarunner being a little ‘delulu’ is a happy medium) … three miles down the trail I hobbled to the side and called my crew. I was done. The walk back to headquarters was somehow much longer when not running. I questioned the decision with every step, even though it hurt, even when I couldn’t walk normally. Two days later I’m not completely sure I made the right decision, delulu hobbling around my home.

Failure at first is always laced with big emotions, disappointment, fear, loss, self-doubt… and while each of those feelings are valid and sting, what I’ve learned is that you can’t let that sting get sticky. You can’t get stuck in the what ifs. You can’t get trapped in a cycle of speculation, because that not only hinders the growth that is around the corner but it also robs us of the energy we need to get there. It’s in these moments where we can’t let the possibilities what could have been overshadow the reality of what is. Even when the “what is”, isn’t what we had hoped for. 

Corrine Malcolm during loop 1 of javelina 2024
Photo from Tony DiPasquale

So while I’m steadily working my way back to the drawing board, I’m taking this as a moment to release myself from perfectionism, unburden myself from (my own) expectations, and to redefine what success means. Success isn’t just about the destination (well except for maybe getting to the finish line), but it is also about the courage to try, the willingness to adapt, and the strength to persist. Failure was pretty stifling on Saturday, and I could feel it’s weight on Sunday, but with each day that passes, with each exhale I take I am certain there is freedom in failure too. 

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